Overcoming negativity from health struggles
My good friend "BAM" has been asking me for a while to write up something about myself and my health that he could post around. Being that he also asked me to be funny, which is totally easy for me in person, but uh...challenging to say the least for me as a writer, then I'm going to just see whatever comes out of my mouth here.
Some people have laughed at me recently for following Animal Planet shows; but I just love critters! And for me, I can't help but think Torah when I watch the programs (that one day, may we all and the animals live in peace and not harm one another; and other thoughts too, but I digress) and they serve as a respite. Animals can be such a source of comfort and companionship (again, we find that thought in Torah, but as we know animals are not a full substitute for human relationships). In "The Grizzly Man Diaries" Timothy Treadwell, who I suppose some machismos would call a "bear fucker," even though he does no such thing, said something quite important (and hopefully the machismos listen too). He mentioned, during the "Two Timothys" episode that being alone in the wild makes you tough mentally because you have to in effect retrain your mind and replace the negative, lonely, bad thoughts with good, fun, and uplifting ones. That in effect is cognitive therapy (perhaps he knew this because of his struggle to overcome addiction).
I can say that this strategy does help. In Judaism it is taught that what we feed ourselves is what will be nourished - simple yes, but wisdom tends to be deceptive like that. It means that what we focus our energies on, that will be what we become. It is no wonder then why Jews so fervently study Torah and follow the commandments and do good deeds (likely its another reason why Jews tend to have higher IQs because study is quintessential and with brain plasticity we find that what we think about and how we BEHAVE influences our brain in ways scientists have only begun to realize and are shocked to learn!). So I only add that one also needs to change their behaviors in conjunction with their thoughts.
Hmmm, I think I'm getting to dry again. Well, you probably thinking to yourself, "so what has this guy been through that he can talk all preachy?" Well, please forgive any preaching; I just can't help but share my love for Torah and Judaism and nature and...right, stopping now.
Well, if you saw me you'd probably say, "That fuckah looks like ET!" I have a condition/disease/whatever that is literally wasting me away. I mean, typically I weighed between 130 and 145 when I was in good health, so I'm thin anyway. But I've dropped to as low as 100 lbs and currently weigh about 102, except when a light breeze blows me off the scale.
But before you think, "Shit man, I WANT your disease" please don't. I can tell you about the hours of nonstop and agonizing pain or the nausea, diarrhea, fatigue, and low blood pressure, but it doesn't do it justice. Think of it this way: you feel hungry and eat and eat and eat even though you're nauseated because you know you have to eat. If you don't, you risk losing more weight. Then you may overeat and feel even worse - not bloating my friends, but you've just given yourself a painful hiatal hernia (feels like chest pain and you can get reflux because you literally ate so much). Now, one thing is that the pain in your abdomen and back and sides (and joints) is pretty much nonstop. So after months of it, you begin to learn to live with it. You don't complain about it as often (no one wants to hear about it anyway day after day; "so what's new?" "Well, the pain was an 8/10 today on the right, but the left was only 6/10!"...yeah, I don't recommend that). Then there's the mental & emotional difficulties. You know how sick people can be right? Well, no one cares after a while so eventually you either lose some of your friends who can't take it anymore or you suck it up...even though the thought of sucking anything makes you gag. Then there's the diet restrictions: what makes you sick, what makes you really sick, and what basically destroys your body. Those are pretty much your choices, except rice which always seems fine. Your blood pressure drops suddenly, you may black out from the pain, and you feel weak from losing weight so damn fast because you literally shit it all out. Now, if you still want to have my condition, I say this in the nicest way possible, but you're a dumbass.
Besides, that's not everything there is. But you don't want to hear all that. That last paragraph was enough and I bet to high heaven that you were cracking jokes or skimming through it. You're probably still skeptical and think, "I can handle it if this skinny little Jew can!" Bring it on suckah. I'll still whoop your ass.
Really, laughing and humor are indispensable to coping. And well, for those who know me in real life know I laugh a lot and have a unique and "funny" laugh. I won't lie, there are some days I can barely function or walk (yup, the pain is so bad I can't walk) and those days tend to be more solemn. Why? I'm using most of my mental energy to stave off the pain; I have to work hard to stay neutral. Becoming happy go lucky on those worst days isn't possible. Today though not the worst day, is not a good day and is very tough. Luckily, since my ass is so flat I can more easily pull BS out of it.
Combine the health conditions with financial worries, sometimes not even having money to eat, crappy doctors who don't listen, friends who offer no sympathy or even visit the sick (which is a commandment in Judaism), doctors who treat you poorly or once they don't know what's wrong send you packing, and a host of other problems, well you can easily find yourself at rock bottom. Don't fool yourselves, being sick, especially chronically sick makes feeling good mentally & emotionally a chore. And with malabsorption syndromes where you lose weight like this, you experience a host of neurological (for you machismos still reading, that means "brain stuff"...got it?) problems. Problems that can turn the most macho thug out there into a crying little bitch.
You're left with a choice, unfortunately a lot of chronically ill people I meet who are negative & bitchy don't see it that way, they're victims. Yes, we can all be victims. But you still have a choice. I realized that I feel like shit anyway physically, so if I had anything to do about it I was going to feel good every other way I could.
And of course, that can lead to hedonism, but I digress. Eventually I realized living a life that was good and happy meant more than just pleasure. Suffering is not always bad. After working out, we experience pain yet we don't consider that form of pain "suffering." Because we know it will lead us to a better, healthier, sexier body. We may not be able to climb stairs very well, but we suffer through it. Emotionally though people can be weak. All pain is suffering and one can barely stand anyone saying differently, "It'll all be ok, I promise" "no that won't work either, don't you know this is all hopeless!" We've all gone through those times. But why not look at it the same way one does for physical pain - that one can grow and progress and get stronger? My Orthodox friends the Weissman's told me that a couple years ago and it stuck.
Indeed, we find that special forces guys are mentally & emotionally tougher than they are physically. That's the name of the game. No playing victim, "the sergeant doesn't like me and he made the mistake, not me." That doesn't fly; go back to being a "soldier," you pussy. Endurance, as I and BAM know from cross-country, is more mental than physical. Sure, you need to train physically, but the mental processes you engage in while training is so important (hence, clearing the mind and thinking positive thoughts, rather than "shit, I'm tired"). What makes me laugh is when people see how positive I am and happy, they sometimes think, "maybe nothing is wrong." Unfortunately, I know those people well enough to know that when the going gets tough, they break down. Then you have the others who think its none of their problem, which in a way it isn't. What I hope they never experience is need: the kind of need they ignored or a worse need or more likely, some "need" that isn't really as bad just because this "solja boy" thinks he's going through some tough ass times when in fact, he's just a mentally weak little boy. Shit, he might even yell at people and treat those that love him with disdain when they try to help him out and blame society and everyone else. Those kind of "tough guys" and "machismos" really try to act tough because they aren't. And I can care less if they read this and wanna kill me: will that really make you a man to kill a 100 lb ET looking Jew? No, you'd just be lame.
I do truly want to see an end to loneliness, despair, and needless suffering; I don't want to hurt anyone, even if they "deserve it," but mind you I can be a militant Jew so you best not test me. But that said, I hope that my story helps someone out there. Yeah, things can really suck and you can definitely feel like the sky is falling and there's no hope in the world. You can; I have and I don't blame you for it. The question is, how will you respond next? I guarantee you, if you work on replacing negative thoughts and take on good behaviors (in Judaism, we teach to do to others what you'd want; thus if you want healing, pray for others to be healed) then you will eventually start to feel better. You may not even want to feel better; I know because I've been at that very low point too where I just want to wallow in misery and feel justified in doing so; to have others accept it and say, "you're right." Sometimes you need to be the friend who does it because after a while I realized I really didn't want to hear, "you're right, Dave" because it turned into "yup, life sucks for you so hard." It was a wake up call for me. That was a couple years ago. Right, I forgot to mention that this all began in 2004 (well, there were signs and beginnings before that, since I can remember actually & I journaled about it; but in 2004 I experienced seizures and the beginnings of the turbulent times of health). It got really bad in February of this year, but then like I mentioned its a roller coaster.
Dennis Prager spoke at my synagogue the other week for Shabbat on "Judaism as a means to a Happy Life" and he mentioned that people with chronic illnesses, after a while, revert back to their level of happiness they had before the onset. I can attest to that. Because I lost many friends for a variety of reasons between 2001 and 2005, very few people remember the happy-go-lucky Dave of yore (BAM does) and so a lot of people judge me based off of when I was in some really dire straights and wasn't mentally & spiritually & emotionally in the place I'm at now. They view me through a lens I don't view myself through; granted I see who I was then, but I also know who I am inside and they don't. So I also admonish you, before you judge someone who is chronically ill, especially if you didn't know them before the onset, judge slowly and give lots of patience and mercy. Did you know that emergency workers when rescuing people are often attacked by the victim? The victim is panicking or just in such a state of mental peril that they criticize, blame, back-talk, and sometimes physically assault the person trying to rescue them. That same "animal like" instinct comes into play when people are sick too (that's why you have people acting bitchy when sick and pissing off their spouse or parent when they were just trying to help).
So when I watch those shows on animal planet, I'm reminded that sometimes even the animals act in ways contrary to their "instincts" and can show compassion or concern for the greater good, while other animals exhibit a more "animalistic/instinctive personality." So what will you choose and what will you feed your soul? It not only impacts you, but everyone you come into contact with. May you choose to be a light.
May G-d bless you with peace, prosperity, wisdom, and a long & happy life...
